DIV4/5: MARRIAGE

MARRIAGE

It is a legal union between men and women to become husband and wife.

Likewise, it’s the public agreement/ covenant between people of opposite sex agree to establish a relationship for mutual support, love to produce and raise children.

Purpose of marriage

• Marriage is meant for production of children for continuity of life. It’s through marriage that one can produce and love children. That’s why the bible looks at children as a blessing.
• Marriage is purposely to have access to sex since sex outside marriage is considered as a sin and also before marriage. Therefore people take up marriage to fulfill their passionate feeling by making love with someone they love.
• Some people marry to take position of responsibility in the society, so that they get wives, husbands to take up important jobs and ranks in the community. For example, one to become a head teacher, president or to be a religious leader in the Anglican churches should be married.
• Through marriage there is companionship which makes adult life complete for an individual. Couples in marriage share ideas, develop together, assist each other in sorrow and joy and there is a complete life lived.
• Some people marry to fulfill some external demands especially from our parents and relatives; many girls and boys are influenced to marry by their parents. Parents get roomed when their daughters who are about to reach 30 years are not married therefore intervene forcing them to marry.
• Marriage is an important source of wealth, life, domestic animals before marriage gifts are exchanged for the new system of bride wealth.
• Marriage is important because it allows partners to test if they are fertile or impotent. Women are able to know only in marriage that they are not barren and can produce children and a man is declared biologically functional and not impotent in marriage.
• It’s an institution of respect to both men and women. People marry to be officially recognized in the society and take up challenges as married people. That is to say, they are taught to be stable, upright, responsible and developmental.
• Marriage is a religious obligation; Christians are called upon to get partners because marriage is blessed by God. Gen and proverbs emphasizes that a person who gets a partner for marriage does a good thing and obtains favour from the lord.
• In modern times marriage allows people to citizens by recognition of their respective countries. They want to stay in order to work. For example in USA, Canada, UK they give citizenship to immigrants and job seekers to only those who are married and it ease a married people to secure a visa.
• Some people marry because they want to get labour like house work, garden work, in order to avoid expenses that would be incurred on shamba boys and house maids.
• Some people take up marriage for selfish reasons especially if they want to use their partners as a plat form to get what they lack. In Uganda today, a good number of ladies marry in order to get money from their husbands, obtain posh cars, houses

TRADITIONAL UNDERSTANDING OF MARRIAGE

• In African traditional society marriage was compulsory and everybody was supposed to marry. Unmarried person was not considered and when he had grown grey hair he could not speak in public and his words were not taken serious among the Bakiga of Western Uganda unmarried person was not supposed to offer any word in public.
• Various rituals were carried out in case one died a virgin because it was believed that their spirits were dangerous. For example,‘‘okuggera ampango’’ in case of those who died bachelors, their bodies were carried out of the house through the holes behind the house among the Baganda of central Uganda the coarse body was passed through the behind door when taking for taking for burial.
• If a man was impotent, his brother would sleep with his wife and the children produced would be regarded as the children of the impotent man.
• Being alive meant giving life through a child which ensured remembrance after death therefore man’s life depended on his children, childless marriages were unbearable and a man was free to take another wife in case the first woman is barren.
• Traditionally, parents looked for marriage partners for their children. They would choose from families they wanted without the children influence.
• Divorce was very rare. In African traditional society it could only be accepted in extreme cases such as if a woman was barren, carried out adultery, witch craft, theft. It was normally approved by elders but a man would carryout polygamy instead of divorcing.
• Polygamy was common In African traditional society marriage because a lot of values were attached to therefore it was a prestigious source of wealth and labour could solve the problem of barrenness as well as divorce.
• In African traditional society, women were considered inferior to men, total respect and submission were expected from them therefore men dictated over the women and regarded them as property since they paid dowry for them.
• In addition, re-marriage and widow inheritance was practiced. If a man died, the brother would take over the wife.
• Marriage In African traditional society was for establishment of the relationship within the community and a man would marry from different clans for this purpose helped in stopping inter-clan wars.
• Traditionally marriage was a covenant between two families and a communal affair. Everybody in the society friends and relatives participated in one of the other to make the marriage ceremony a success.
• Dowry or bride price was an important element in African marriage. Marriage would only be reveled after completing the required dowry.
• Dowry was quite an important demand because it sealed marriage and gave protection to both partners.
• An extended family watched over the discipline, property and morals of the young people In African traditional society.
• Marriage was supposed to be between non relatives.
• Sex education and preparation for marriage was done to prepare the young for marriage.

CHOICE OF MARRIAGE PARTNERS IN AFRICAN TRADITIONAL SOCIETY

• Choice of marriage partners was a public affair parents, relatives and friends would get involved. This was done without the knowledge of the child and she/he had no right to reject the choice made or else curses would follow him/her.
• The parents or relatives would identify a particular family from which their son would marry and such a family had to be with good morals or background.
• At times the boy’s family would ‘book’ a pregnancy in advance such that in case the born child was a girl she could automatically become a future wife to their son such commitment had to be respected and could not be broken even when the bon child was disabled in anyway.
• There was also marriage by capture. A boy would organize a particular group of people who would forcefully take the girl to his place for marriage. However the boy’s family had to appreciate the girl’s family before the action is done.  Girls would be captured as they went to fand othersh water uproot potatoes or as they came out of their father’s homes.  This was practiced among the Itesos, Karamajongs and Masai people.
• Through culture practices. That is to say, circumcision among the Bamasaba of Mbale in Eastern Uganda where an individual would identify a marriage partner during the exercise.

 HOW IS MARRIAGE IS UNDERSTOOD TODAY?

Today marriage is understood in the following ways:

• The marriage partners enjoy a large measure of freedom to make their preferred choice of their partner. So parental influence is limited.
• Marriage is understood as the expression of love between partners in marriage. In other words, they see in each other a friend they can’t afford to live without.
• Marriage today is taken as an agreement between partners who have reached a harmonious living together.
• Most people who take up church and customary marriage take marriage as a blessing from parents of the partners. Such blessings are generally passed on after the man’s family paying dowry.
• Today marriage as an institution is understood as a permanent union between partners who are in love. Actually this is following God’s teaching in the book of Genesis.
• Marriage today is understood as an institution where partners are expected to remain faithful to one another. So this means the vows they made/took before parents or the religious leaders.
• Most partners understood marriage as a channel which sex should be enjoyed. This is because sex is a divine gift from God but only permitted in marriage.
• Today marriage is taken as a channel for producing children. Children are taken as a blessing from God and it’s a physical sign for sealing marriage.
• Marriage today is understood as a way to find a partner with whom to celebrate joys, success and strength and to encourage one another in times of sorrows, losses and weaknesses.
• Under normal circumstances, marriage is taken as a public event. This is because members of the public act as witnesses by attending the ceremony to prove it free and transparent.
• Today marriage is accompanied with a grand party to the guests. So there is jubilation with the brides for starting a new independent life designed by God himself.
• Today marriage doesn’t only acquire man a wife but also gets him a new family of relatives to relate with. That is to say, the wife’s relatives.
• Today marriage means to consider the health status of the partner to be married and then take the best choice.
• Today many people observe a monogamous marriage which is biblically recommended.

CHOICE OF MARRIAGE PARTNERS TODAY

• Today people get marriage partners through scientific, through surfing of marriage partner. For example marriage of Miss Yamamoto and the late His Excellency Godfrey Binaisa former president of the republic of Uganda through computer dating.
• Individual choice of partner depending on one’s wishes and interest which are related to physical attraction.
• Today there are open visits and talks by the young men and women that creates a relationship hence leading to marriage.
• Through advertisement in news papers, televisions. For example on Bukedde TV on the programme of ‘Abanooya’ and magazines where interested partners look for one another hence leading to marriage.
• Today in some churches, pastors choose from congregation and some teachers choose where they teach.
• Some parents today make the choice for their children and hence helping them to get marriage partners.
• Partners are mainly got through personal choice on their own. People pick partners through interactions with beautiful work mates.
• Others get partners through internet. People advertise themselves for marriage and they link up with those interested and therefore start up a relationship. For example late Binaisa got a Chinese woman through using the internet and many people get boy friends or girl friends across the world through the internet.
• Some people search for and get partners through radio and TV programmes. For example late Nalule of 70 years used Bukedde “Abanoonya” program to show the qualities she wanted from a lover.
• Partners can be got today through friends as they connect in places of work, relatives and the neighborhood.
• Relatives such as aunties, uncles, cousins sometimes can be used to identify a partner to a fellow relative and organize the connections.
• The church leaders also help to pair up members of the church from the congregation through guidance and counseling.
• People get partners through advertisement on the mass media like radio stations and newspapers.
• It’s no wonder that some people get partners through involving witchcraft, love charms to look for a marriage.
• Partners get close friends. That is to say, fellow lovers through going together to discos especially at night. Some end up getting sexual partners.
• Sports activities like football, netball, volleyball, night prayers have created some space for making love among partners.
• Dating is used by some people to identify marriage partners. This is common among the educated which begins at school or colleges or universities.
• Parents sometimes identify marriage partners for their children. This practice is common in India, Nigeria among the Igbos and partly in Uganda among the Itesots. In Uganda its noted that president Museveni played a key role in organizing the marriage between his son Muhoozi and Sharlotte Kuteesa the daughter of Sam Kuteesa.
• Wrestling is a method in Karamoja where a boy wrestles with a girl he wishes to marry. If a boy becomes a winner, then the parents give in their daughter for marriage officially.
• Abduction has been used by some people to get women to marry, Boko Hararm soldiers / warriors used it in Nigeria where many school girls were abducted. The Samia people in Uganda also do it by use of energetic boys who round up girls as they go to collect firewood or water. Then a message is sent to their home.

PROBLEMS YOUNG PEOPLE FACE IN CHOOSING MARRIAGE PARTNERS

• Getting a marriage partner with all necessary qualities like education levels, tribe/religious relations, sociability, health status and others is very difficult.
• Sometimes parents interfere in the choice of their children’s marriage partner. Some reach to the point of refusing to honour the boy/girl friend their son/daughter intends to marry.
• Diseases like AIDs, sickle cells, cancer threaten the young people from taking up the partners they wished to marry.
• Financial hardship is also a big problem faced by men. Some have failed to marry certain girls because young girls want rich men.
• The influence of peer group members sometimes becomes a problem faced by young people. Friends may refuse one from marrying or getting married to somebody.
• Young people are attracted to superficial beauty. This may render them from choosing the rightful partner who would be hard working, social, educated and of a good family background.
• The high bride wealth demanded by parents has scared some boys from marrying girls of their first choice.
• Most town girls have a bad reputation. They aren’t genuine in many cases.
• Difference in religion especially a Christian marrying a Moslem is very difficult.

QUALITIES CONSIDERED FOR A GOOD MARRIAGE PARTNER TODAY

The following are some of the qualities or characteristics one should expect from a good marriage partner;

• People consider the partner’s religion as an essential element. The partner should have the same religion or else the woman should accept to incline or take up the man’s faith/religion in order to have a stable marriage.
• A partner whose character is composed of respect, kindness, tenderness, politeness and understanding can make a marriage life very lively.
• Today people look for partners who have virtues like humility, honesty, truthful, trust worthiness, pardoning, generous and patient.
• Good partners chosen today are those who have good habits but not habits like alcoholism and smoking.
• The partners considered today are those who share similar interests like sports, music, touring new places, zoos or beaches and many others
• Physical appearance is an essential factor/quality considered today when looking for attractive (beautiful) ladies depending on the individual’s judgment like height, size, colour, body figure and many others
• Education levels are also highly considered by some men and women. People who are educated at least to a degree level wish to marry those with a degree or at least with a diploma and also employed.
• People prefer to marry partners who are social. That is to say, those who understand and respect people around them for their partners. Partners who are helpful, cheerful and considerate are highly considered.
• Partners usually look for healthy marriage partners except on rear case where AIDS victims looking for fellow HIV positive victims to marry. Otherwise it’s common today to find future prospective partners first undergoing medical check ups to check for deadly diseases like AIDs and sickle cells.
• Always men look for women but also physically hard working for development of their family.
• A good background is highly considered. Though a girl may be physically beautiful if she comes from a cannibalistic family then many men can’t in for her.
• Women today take on men who seem to have a stable income generating project that can support the family. For example having a school or hospital project.
• A God fearing person is highly recommended for marriage today by many partners.

ADVANTAGES OF INVOLVING PARENTS IN CHOOSING MARRIAGE PARTNERS

• Parents make thorough inquiries about the proposed girl before marriage. This enables a boy to get a good girl for a wife.
• They help in avoiding incest in marriage since they know every detail of the relatives or family members.
• The couples have full protection as always some in to give advice and solve the problems arising in the marriage of the young people since they are stakeholders ‘have experience’.
• Family lives are strengthened therefore this helps in stabling the marriage of the young people since the involvement of parents creates friendship between them and their married children.
• When parents are involved the partners are assured of blessings from parents, elders and of the society members (Gen 24:54-60)
• It helped the marriage partners to be supported financially morally in order to boast the new family.
• Chronic diseases such as asthma, sickle cells would be avoided when parents are involved because they give more information about the family background of the partners better than the young people themselves.
• Parents contributed bride wealth once they are well involved in marriage of the young ones hence marrying it to remain stable.
• The involvement of parents in choosing marriage partners helps the young couple to have full protection since parents always give advice to them.

ADVANTAGES (MERITS)

• It prevents the child from making immature, unwise and regrettable choices. Remember In African traditional society and even today many children get in love for marriage at a very tender age even below 18 years.
• In Africa marriage is a community concern so in order to have a suitable partner, the parents and community at large work together.
• It prevents partners of bad characters and behavior from being married by humble people since elders are/were experienced and in most cases were knowledgeable about certain family backgrounds.
• The payment of dowry becomes easy since parents can easily mobilize the relatives and friends of the family to raise the required bride wealth.
• Parental involvement in choosing the marriage partner of their child helps to prevent pre-marital sex and unwanted pregnancies since it becomes difficult for partners to meet for sex.
• Parental involvement stabilizes the marriage institution since it stresses its roots from both families.
• It prevents children from marrying people with terrible habits like witchcraft sorceries, cannibals, laziness and many others
• The parents scrutinize and identify these because of their experiences.
• It also helps children from committing incest. This means marrying a close relative (clan-mate) and this is a taboo against many African ethnic cultures.

DISADVANTAGES (DEMERITS)

• The method deprives the children of their fundamental right to have a say in the choice of their marriage partners.
• It isn’t a guarantee that always the parental choices are always better than for individual choice. Sometimes children are left in a state of desperation.
• At times such marriage isn’t or weren’t based on love; rather it’s based on parents targeting high bride wealth and expansion of the clan not on love.
• It encourages extra and unnecessary intervention in the children’s home affairs by the parents since they had an upper hand in the choice and payment of dowry.
• The wife may force a woman to become rebellious as she finds protection from the parents who chose for her the man.
• The act may encourage adultery at both sides and sometimes polygamy at the side of the husband since there was no original attraction and love not even choice.
• In cases where parents book for their children marriage partners while still in the womb like in India, there might be embarrassment if the would be partner comes out with deformities like a lame hand or leg or facial deformities.
• Since the beginning of the relationship was initiated by parents, they might as well easily propose the dissolution of the marriage.
• The difference in religious beliefs can be ignored by some parents. This can easily lead to break down of such marriages even if the parents were the ones who chose for you the partner.

COMPARISON BETWEEN AFRICAN TRADITIONAL SOCIETY AND TODAY’S FACTORS WHEN CHOOSING A             MARRIAGE PARTNER

• Today beauty is highly considered especially on the side of women while In African traditional society was a question of being hard-working and with good morals.
• In African traditional society priority was given to a partner of one’s tribe and culture while today intertribal marriages are accepted as long as the couples have common interest and love.
• Today formal education and intelligence of the partner is important while In African traditional society it was how well the girl had learnt how to cook and care for the family which mattered.
• Cultural and social factors such as going through initiation rites like circumcision were really considered in some societies. For example, the Bamasaba of Eastern Uganda but today it is interest and live between partners which matters.
• In African traditional society the choice of marriage partners was done by elders but today there is freedom to choose whom to marry depending on individual interests.
• Today wealth or economic status of the person especially on man’s side is highly considered while In African traditional society was discipline and being social which mattered.
• Virginity was highly regarded In African traditional society however today it is q question of being health and free from several diseases like AIDS.
• Today politeness, kindness and self -respect are highly solved while In African traditional society girls would be imposed on men who were rough just because they could pay high bride price.
• In African traditional society there were no specific time or age limit of one to marry but today according to the Ugandan law, one has to be above the age of 18 years in order to be married.

Why do some people fear marriage today?

Many people today do not marry because of the following reasons;

• Some men fear early responsibilities of looking after the wife and the children.
• Some people take long periods in studies and they can’t have time enough with wives.
• Many youth today fear marriage for fear to acquire HIV/AIDS and any other sexually transmitted diseases.
• Some people take long to marry because they want to first establish/build their own homes and even buy some reasonable land to look after their family.
• Some people devote their lives to the service of God only for example priests and nuns.
• Some people remain unmarried due to the nature of the work they do. For example prostitutes and safari/long distance drivers.
• Some people have bad social habits that people fear to get married to them. That is to say, night dancers, witchcrafts, man-eaters (cannibals). So they fear to be identified by their would be partners.
• Some men don’t marry today because they are poor and cannot pay dowry and also maintain the family.
• It is normal today and taken to be a form of modernity remaining unmarried.
• Today most women are educated and have money and property hence they may need no love for marriage.
• Some people want to enjoy independence especially house wives hence they don’t mind about marriage.
• Some people like girls are proved barren by the doctors hence they even avoid getting married for fear of shame.
• Some women today only target men’s property. So those who have been cheated discourage others from marriage.
• Some girls fear competition with co-wives who may be in the polygamous marriage and witchcraft may be practiced.
• Some girls refuse to be married because they want to keep looking young as they know marriage and child bearing makes one to fade.
• Some men are naturally shy and so fear to approach the opposite sex to talk about marriage issues.
• Poor healthy may discourage one to marry. For instance one being mentally disturbed, affected with cancer, sickle cells, Aids.